POTW: I’m on a computer

Proof that not all online dating profiles make your eyes bleed.

Stats:  26 years old, never married, 6’0”, social drinker, non smoker, non-religious, Caucasian with a Bachelors Degree.

Profession:  Superhero

His initial email to me:

Look at your sexy lips. Back to mine. Back to yours NOW BACK TO MINE. Sadly, it isn’t mine. But if you reply back with something captivating, one day you could be around mine. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a fishing site. Look again, MY MESSAGE IS NOW DIAMONDS. Anything is possible when you look this good. I’m on a computer.

Interests:  Writing music, playing basketball, sharks with mullets, reading bathroom stall messages, watching foreign films and texting and driving.

His profile:

Hi I’m Igor,

I party like its 1999. I am america’s next top model. I never perspire. My strengths outweigh my weaknesses. I am constantly caller number 9 and win tickets to all the best shows. When we meet, the pleasure will be all yours. I bat 400. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I’m a stellar hugger and a world class cuddler. I dance with the stars. I consistently beat Chuck Norris in arm-wrestling. I once read paradise lost, the odyssey and war & peace all in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I shower daily. critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I bake 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes flat. Moms love me and children wanna be me. I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket. I always pick the fullest and most symmetrical christmas trees. I sleep once a day. basically…I rock

First Date:

We’ll hire a mariachi band to follow us all night as we hold hands & walk around aimlessly thru disneyland. Of course I’ll be wearing my mickey mouse ears and you’ll have on those embarassing legwarmers I always make fun of you about!

Now THAT’S an email and profile.  Why can’t they all be this entertaining?  I’m pretty certain I’ve seen this profile or one very similar to it before and I’m pretty certain that he didn’t write out such an amusing take on the Old Spice ad solely for my benefit.  But plagiarism or not, it still breaks up the monotony of receiving a dozen daily emails from men saying “hi how r u u sure r perdy.”

I do adore Igor.  Unfortunately for Igor, he looks like an Igor.  Yes, Shallow, party of one, your table is now ready.  Before I get bitch slapped for judging somebody based solely on their looks let me explain something to you.  He was REALLY ugly.

I did actually write back to Igor, if, for no other reason than to commend him on his ability to amuse me.  Maybe we’ll actually go out but I wouldn’t put money on it.  Who knows?  I do happen to have a soft spot for men that can beat Chuck Norris in arm wrestling and shower daily.

Comments

  1. Lusty SagittarianNo Gravatar says:

    If he can have an engaging F2F conversation that is as witty as his profile, well that’s something. I would be surprised though. I guess no one can have everything: looks, wit, and the ability to verbally communicate well. So you’d rather have a pretty man to look at than one who can make you laugh? Just rhetorical. I know. The answer is somewhere in the middle. But we Sags, we live on the extremes.

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  2. Skye BlueNo Gravatar says:

    Amusing, and yet heartbreaking. Why is it that the charming, funny ones are never the ones you’re attracted too? Sigh.

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    • Truly disappointing really. But I own it…I’m shallow as fuck. Oh well.

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      • If you really think about it, everyone is shallow. It’s called what attracts you. There’s probably quite a few women that may be attracted to Igor even though you weren’t. I don’t think I’ve ever been attracted to a man with blong hair. But a nice set of biceps? Oh yeah!

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        • I totally agree. And I’m sure dear Igor will find the right woman. If Screech from Saved by the Bell could find himself a wife than anything is possible.

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  3. awwww, poor Igor. I hope he finds his Igora someday.
    Nicole recently posted..Oh- the Anger

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  4. Hey – you can make that Shallow, table for two, if you ever want company. Not that I’m trying to pick you up. We could compare stories. Such as the Pyrex Thief and Rock Your World Guy.

    Although… maybe I am trying to pick you up. You are perdy.

    That being said, I hazard a guess that Igor picked the ugly pic and it might not be of himself (that sentence may not be grammatically correct). I am not convinced he’s a real person. No one can beat Chuck Norris in arm-wrestling.
    Nikki04 recently posted..The Blow Off- Part Two- Deal with it

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  5. he’s definitely creative, have to give him that. Too bad that not many girls will give him a chance because of his looks, but such is life though. Just like some guys and girls don’t get a chance because they are fat.

    I love your writing style Melisa, keep up the great and entertaining work.
    JupaMan recently posted..Tara Lynn Foxx Launches Her Own Pay Site

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  6. Medifast RecipesNo Gravatar says:

    I can say this only because my husband won’t read. He is not a looker, but he is funny, compassionate, endearing and makes me feel loved and safe everyday. I guess what I am saying, go deeper than the appearance, some of the greatest catches aren’t the prettiest but sure are the best.
    Love your post by the way, really enjoyed my visit today.
    Medifast Recipes recently posted..Baked Radish Chips

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  7. I’m pretty sure that this is the sort of thing that makes women melt. Just ask that guy and he’ll tell you exactly that.
    Posky recently posted..Giant Dogs and Unlikely Ova- Another True Story

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  8. Dang, as a matter of fact I saw another profile similar to this but his name is no igor , he is ” sexyisback!”. This guy is pretty hilarious too: lakersyr08

    man, PF forums are gold mine

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  9. I had posted that profile back in 2007 on a funny profile site. I was currently using that as my POF profile. It got pretty popular and i received several messages on POF of people telling me that others had my same profile.
    The original was written by a college professor as a joke college entrance essay. It was originally 2 pages long and I edited it down to one paragraph with what i thought were the funniest one liners. The only difference in in this one is that i didn’t have the “I bat 400″ part, other than that, its an exact copy.

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    • Such an amusing profile definitely deserves to go viral. Something that funny needs to be shared in order to break up the monotony of what can become the most tedious and unoriginal aspect of online dating. Kudos to you, dear sir! P.S. I’d love to meet that Professor

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