Proof that not all online dating profiles make your eyes bleed.
Stats: 26 years old, never married, 6’0”, social drinker, non smoker, non-religious, Caucasian with a Bachelors Degree.
His initial email to me:
Look at your sexy lips. Back to mine. Back to yours NOW BACK TO MINE. Sadly, it isn’t mine. But if you reply back with something captivating, one day you could be around mine. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a fishing site. Look again, MY MESSAGE IS NOW DIAMONDS. Anything is possible when you look this good. I’m on a computer.
Interests: Writing music, playing basketball, sharks with mullets, reading bathroom stall messages, watching foreign films and texting and driving.
Hi I’m Igor,
I party like its 1999. I am america’s next top model. I never perspire. My strengths outweigh my weaknesses. I am constantly caller number 9 and win tickets to all the best shows. When we meet, the pleasure will be all yours. I bat 400. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I’m a stellar hugger and a world class cuddler. I dance with the stars. I consistently beat Chuck Norris in arm-wrestling. I once read paradise lost, the odyssey and war & peace all in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I shower daily. critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I bake 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes flat. Moms love me and children wanna be me. I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket. I always pick the fullest and most symmetrical christmas trees. I sleep once a day. basically…I rock
We’ll hire a mariachi band to follow us all night as we hold hands & walk around aimlessly thru disneyland. Of course I’ll be wearing my mickey mouse ears and you’ll have on those embarassing legwarmers I always make fun of you about!
Now THAT’S an email and profile. Why can’t they all be this entertaining? I’m pretty certain I’ve seen this profile or one very similar to it before and I’m pretty certain that he didn’t write out such an amusing take on the Old Spice ad solely for my benefit. But plagiarism or not, it still breaks up the monotony of receiving a dozen daily emails from men saying “hi how r u u sure r perdy.”
I do adore Igor. Unfortunately for Igor, he looks like an Igor. Yes, Shallow, party of one, your table is now ready. Before I get bitch slapped for judging somebody based solely on their looks let me explain something to you. He was REALLY ugly.
I did actually write back to Igor, if, for no other reason than to commend him on his ability to amuse me. Maybe we’ll actually go out but I wouldn’t put money on it. Who knows? I do happen to have a soft spot for men that can beat Chuck Norris in arm wrestling and shower daily.